Fangirl Versus the Heartless
by FantasyBalance
Summary: My life stunk. Then I got a keyblade, and it started to stink a lot less. These are the adventures of me and my motley crew. We're kind of screw-ups. We kind of screw-up a lot of things. Then we try to make up for our screw-ups... with mixed results. AU with lots of crazy pairings!


For a long period of my life, I mostly just sat around and wondered what I was supposed to do with myself. Nothing I did seemed to really matter in the grand scheme of the universe. I had the opportunity to become the greatest hero that the world had ever known… but like most great plans, your average person screws up a few things in the execution.

Where are my manners? I killed them. They're dead. They're dead. I buried them next to my hopes and aspirations of being a perfect human being. Do you realize how hard it is to be perfect? It is, actually, impossible!

I guess you might say that I am a keyblade wielder. You know, if you knew me you would say that. Because that's kind of what I do. I slay things with my keyblade, I save a world, and I move on. It would be a lonely existence if it wasn't for all of my friends, but sometimes I screw up things with them too.

And who I am? I used to ask this question to myself a lot. I'm talking of course not just about titles and names, but about my spirit. I'm probably the most badass chick that you are ever going to read about, but I don't really see myself that way. See, it's easy to hear about an action heroine and think 'oh yeah, she's awesome!' But really, when you actually become an action heroine, you realize it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

It kinda sucks. And blows.

I was really more of an every girl with a bit of flab in places where I wish flab did not exist. The sort of girl who would rather sit alone at home and watch Disney movies instead of studying for my college courses. Business Calcus is one of the worst classes you could ever imagine taking, and accounting is one of the worst choices for a theatre person at hear to partake in.

So you might be asking yourself 'okay, then why does this girl bother with that? Why didn't she just get into the theatre?' This is something that I often wonder about myself, but there is no time machine that I can wind back and redo life's important moments. If that were the case, I would probably be married to a rich writer and performing on Broadway at this point.

If the world didn't blow up, of course.

Which it did.

I think the truth was that I didn't really have much talent in anything at all. I performed in college plays, but I was typically the fat friend to the pretty skinny girl who was destined to be the lead role. These sorts of things shouldn't affect me as much as they do, but you know, it is just how life goes.

There was a specific day where everything went to crap. I mean, I was a depressed slob before the day happened, but this day was particularly crappy. I would say that it was probably the crappiest day on record.

It was the day that I realized that fantasy and reality can coexist.

It was a Friday. It was the afternoon. In the summer. It was hot as hell.

X-X-X-X-X

I lived in an apartment by myself. I wasn't social enough to be a cat lady. Because, you know, those little bastards can be quite the nosy peoples. They also look like they are about to launch a murder scheme at any given moment, so I just decided it would be better off to be alone.

It wasn't the most tidy of living spaces. If someone were to describe it as being a pig pen, they wouldn't be far off. Clothes that should have been washed a week before laid strewn all across the floor. Posters for Disney movies that I should have been over decades before were on my walls, constant reminders that I will never be a super pretty underage Disney princess. Sometimes I would be reminded about how Ariel landed her man at age sixteen, while I was sitting here at age twenty-two, and I was still stuck in college and completely man and/or womanless.

Being a bisexual seems like a lot of fun, but I soon realized that it's really no different than how most straight people feel. It just means that you can get rejected by both genders and not just one. Hurray for that.

Amongst all of this chaos you could find my numerous business books. Why was my specialization in business? I didn't have any reason to speak of. In fact, the only thing that really hinted at the fact that I had any kind of career aspirations is the fact that my rent was overdue, and I would eventually have to pay it. I'm still not quite sure why the landlord didn't kick me out of my little hubble.

Maybe it was sympathy? Maybe he just straight out and out pitied me.

Or, and this is my favorite theory, he knew that someday I would become a super amazing keyblade master and light a giant fire underneath his ass.

My Fall semester wasn't going to start for another couple of months, so I had a lot of free time on my hands. Instead of going out and finding a job, like most well-adjusted adults, I worked on my sprawling fantasy opus that would someday flourish and bring me millions upon millions of dollars in cold hard cash.

Or at least it would have. If the whole of the world didn't get destroyed in the blink of an eye.

You might find this a little hard to imagine, but my mom was one of those types that believed in 'protecting her babies'. This pretty much meant that as long as I was prepping myself for another semester at school, I would never have to worry about working. Not now and not ever. I was pretty much set for the rest of my life.

Dragging my big flabby body out of bed was not unlike Superman spinning the earth backwards. It was relatively simple in concept, but required major amounts of energy. By the time that I was up, I just wanted to go back to bed. All of life just seemed like it would be way too much effort.

You might say that this is a sign of depression. You would be correct!

I wasn't bordering on the side of the suicide. There were things that I thought were still worth living for. The possibility of reading a fan-fiction that didn't make me want to plug a bullet into my brain. The possibility that the world would suddenly become so completely sexually liberated that all of the hunks and babes of the universe would want to create lines in order to take me out on a date. The possibility that the things I write might someday have a major influence on the world's economy and politics that I will forever be praised as a literary hero.

But on this day, I had very little interest in attempting to become something more than my roots. Instead I just plopped in front of the TV, popping in my copy of Frozen to rewatch for the twentieth time.

Some say that there are only so many times that you can hear the song 'Let It Go' until you are driven to the point of insanity. Maybe there is something to this statement. As soon as the film was done, and I contemplated whether a grown-woman should watch a film about a teenager with magic snow powers to the point of memorization, one of the strangest things happened.

There came a knock on my door. I jumped with a start, looking in the direction of the sound with squinting eyes. My amber brown hair was just a bit disshelved, and my pajama bottoms weren't exactly what I would call model worthy. But the knocking continued regardless, and I had a feeling that they weren't going to stop.

"Coming!" Maybe this was going to be a lucky day. At my door, right at this very moment, might be a magical boy wearing nothing but a speedo. He could be delivering me a package, and by package, I mean sexy stuff.

As I opened the door, I realized that my fantasy was only half-accurate.

"Hi!" The boy with the spikey brown hair said to me. His clothes weren't exactly what I would call attractive, or even acceptable for wear outside of a comic book convention. The best way that I could describe it was as a blue jumpsuit with so many zippers you would figure he had some sort of fetish for them.

"Hello," I responded just a tad less enthuastically than he. It was hard to match that sort of energy. "…Can I help you?"

"I am new to this world." He didn't seem to realize just how ridiculous his statement was. There was no sense of irony. There was no indication that this was some sort of Internet prank born out of a meme. Just a strange teenaged boy with an annoying voice.

"I can see that." There didn't seem to be much point in being mean or condescending. He had probably escaped from some sort of mental institution, and the last thing I needed was some sort of crazy person stabbing me through the chest.

"Have you heard of something called the keyhole? I have heard that it is in terrible danger!"

The keyhole? Is he talking about that delicate little thing that protects my apartment from the rest of the incredibly creepy and scary outside world? Or more importantly, from people who would ask if I knew what a keyhole was? "Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I have company ove-"

"I am hardly ever this forward ma'am," he put his foot right where I was about to close the door. An old trick that I have never actually seen someone in real-life attempt. Much like everything else that was going to happen that day, it was the sort of thing you mostly see in old films. "But your entire world is in terrible danger. But you can help! You have the powers of heart! When the Heartless come, you can prepare yourself against the-"

"Yes yes," I sighed in a panic as I stomped my foot down on his massively oversized monster feet. Seriously, the rest of him was cute enough, but those feet would make a circus clown run for his money. "Listen, if I see you trying to get in here again, or talk to me, or anything, I'm gonna call the cops! Got it!"

His face looked just a little bit hurt and taken aback. As though this wasn't the sort of reaction that he was used to receiving. Such a strange kid. It made me feel oddly guilty about slamming the door in his face. You know, after the oversized clown foot recoiled in pain. "When the Heartless come for you, you will have no choice. Only then will you be able to tap your true potential. And then it will be too late!"

"Calling the cops right now! See ya! Bye bye!"

I heard him retreat slowly down the stairs, and after a few minutes I wondered if it would be safe to stay in my house. I didn't really want to alert the authorities. He didn't exactly assault me or anything. But there was a big part of me that was worried in a few hours I would see him rummaging through my fridge, spouting some strange line of crap about how the mayo was the 'Choosen Mayo' and how I needed to make a 'Choosen Sandwich' with it.

Such thoughts make a girl hungry, so I ended up just making myself a sandwich anyways. They are such delicious and satisfying creatures.

Again, there came another knocking from the door. This one a little daintier, a little less bombastic. I came towards the sound, gauging what I should do. It could always be the kid again, but would that really be so bad? At least he hadn't broken a window and stolen my TV. In terms of threats, he was sort or lingering somewhere in the middle on the scary-meter. Somewhere between 'Hide Yo' Kids, Hide Yo' Wives' and 'Adorable Dating Material'.

Of course, he was much too young for me. I'm not a cradle robber. Sometimes I think about it, but guys in their late teens tend to be just a tad immature. I mean, I'm not one to talk, but it is what it is.

"Who is it?" Not a strange thing to ask, especially after the adorable freakshow who had presented himself minutes earlier.

I sighed with relief (and maybe a slight twinge of disappointment) when I heard a girl's voice respond. "Your local PBS station needs donations from viewers like you!"

That's something that I just couldn't turn down. There is a ton of programming that I loved on PBS as a kid. I remembered a couple years back when Mitt Romney was talking about pulling my Sesame Street, and it was the deciding factor on where my vote was going.

But I digress.

On the other side of the door was a really gorgeous girl. In her late teens, not unlike the last kid who knocked, but considerably prettier. She could have been some sort of model if she really wanted to. Oddly enough, she was wearing some sort of school uniform. I remembered that not all of the private schools get out in the Summer, but are in fact year round. Sounded a bit like child abuse to me, but it was probably keeping more than one kid off the drugs. Unless they were also getting that at the school.

With her tidy red-hair, wrinkleless ensemble, and glowing smile I doubted that she took to the toke. Or the lines. Or whatever kids do when they're bored and lonely and don't have their parents to yell at them. "Hello ma'am! Would you like to make a donaiton."

She looked like a freaking princess. Her leg to torso ratio was ridiculous, having nice legs that somehow were spindly and muscled at the same time. And long! I don't know how some girls get gifted with genetics like that.

Needless to say, she was really really hot. Embarrassingly so.

"Sure! I mean, I don't have all that much, but it isn't like-"

I grossly underestimated the girl's craft and cunning. Instead of waiting patiently for my donation as I reached for it in my pocket, she charged in, knocking me flat on my ass. She slammed the door behind her as I laid their on the floor.

"I'M GONNA CALL THE CO-!"

"THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES, MA'AM! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THAT!"

Oh boy. She must be the girlfriend of the pointy haired guy who came around earlier. They escaped from the same asylum and are now on the run. "…I'm crawling towards the pho-"

At that moment, a bright light materialized in the palm of her outstretched hand. At first it was blinding and quite magnificent, until the light slowly disappeared and revealed some sort of metallic weapon. At first I thought it was some kind of generic sword, until I realized that it was in the shape of a giant key.

Literally. It even had a brass handle that looked like that bottom portion of house keys that feel overdecorative and rather useless.

This key looked like it could easily take my head off if I didn't pay it any mind.

"Sora took the nice approach with you," the girl said in a sing-song tone. She was like a cartoon character come to life. No, scratch that. She was like one of those psycho magical girls you would see in a 90's anime. Like a fiery Sailor Moon. "Now I'm going to give you two alternatives. Either you come with us and we talk things through, or I run my blade through your chest right here and right now."

"HELP HELP!" I couldn't help myself. She had me trapped, and I felt as though if I continued to move towards the phone she would probably leave me bleeding onto the dirty carpet beneath me. The landlord would have to work an awful long time to get those bloodstains out.

"No one can hear you, ma'am. I cast a spell on the whole rest of the building. It's just you and me." I don't know why I believed her when she said this. There was something in the confidence of her voice, as well as the fact that she was able to summon deadly weapons out of the ether. Probably more that than anything else.

So I really had no other choice. I had to listen to her right then and there. If I didn't, who knows what was going to happen next. I decided to stop screaming, for my own well-being. "…W-What do you want?"

She adopted this real cocky swagger, as though she had just won the most important argument in the world. She swung her blade playfully from side to side. It was like a pendulum over my chest. "Things are going to happen in the next few minutes that are going to be a little… intense. Your heart will begin racing, and there is a very real possibility that you will begin questioning your sanity. But above all else, you must not lose faith. If you lose faith that you won't make your way out alive, you'll get torn apart and eaten. Do you understand me?"

I nodded in agreement, though I didn't make a sound. I was afraid that if a single peep came out of my trap, her blade would find itself lodged in my throat.

"I'm glad to see that we are on the same page," the girl said as she offered me her hand.

Now this was a strange reaction for me to have. Without really thinking about it at all, I took her hand as though nothing had happened. Like just mere moments ago she hadn't charged into my home and threatened me. My brain just sort of went 'okay sure, why not! Trust this person with your exposed palm!'

Thankfully, she pulled me back up to my feet without much of a problem. I wasn't looking too shabby. Maybe a little flustered by everything that was going on, but who wouldn't be. Perhaps my left eyelid was beginning to twitch erratically, but having keysword warriors break into your house can do that.

Weird shit happened after that.

I don't quite remember in what sequence it all went down, but I'll try my best to dramatize it here for your reading pleasure. The room got really dark. It was literally like all of the lights and electricity went out all at once with an audible click. On top of that, God decided to turn the Sun off as well. Chills were running down my spine, like cold air wisps with long wispy finger nails were doing wispy things with said finger nails across my back. Also, said wispy things were muttering and whispering crazy things all around me.

But I couldn't freaking see them! That was the real scary note. The things, whatever the hell they were, almost caused me to scream out in panic. Thankfully, the girl's hand wisely muffled my big yap.

"You are going to have to broaden your mind for me," she spoke softly. It almost seemed as though she was in some kind of trance. Like this was all just a usual routine for her. "Everything that you know and love is going to vanish. Hold my hand tight. Imagine a light. Imagine a light that encompasses everything. A light that shines through the dark. A light that chases all shadows away. Can you do that?"

I couldn't really speak audibly through her hand, but if I could I would have said something like 'what have you been smoking and can I have a full bong of it?' These things tend to slip out of my mouth, even at the most inopportune of times. But regardless of any protests I might have had, I closed my eyes and did as she said.

Finding your inner-center is a lot harder than they make it seem in Star Wars. You know the scene where Luke Skywalker is lifting his X-Wing Fighter out of Yoda's swamp. Or… you know, he tries and fails horribly. Then Yoda gives him that all wise sagely speech, and shows him just how much of a tool he is by lifting 'the whole freaking thing' without any whining at all?

Let's just say that I was Luke Skywalker, and this girl was some kind of effed up apartment breaking version of Yoda. No matter how much I zoned in on it, I just couldn't tap into whatever magical light fantasy she was talking about. My brain kept on conjuring up images of people flicking their lighters on and other sorts of nonsense, but an all-encompassing light was just far beyond my grasp.

I mean, what does an all-encompassing light even look like, really? A pure white screen? Yellow rays piercing through the dark? There was so many ways I could interpret those instructions.

"What other cliché wisdom lines do I need to throw at you," the girl said under her breath. It felt like we had been standing there for a good long while. The wispy feels on my body were getting worse, and the whispers were becoming fiercer. They were sounding more and more demonic as each second ticked by. "I'm not strong enough on my own."

For a moment, I heard a hint of desperation in her voice. A real crack that made my knees wobble. Whatever it was that had seeped into my apartment, and perhaps all of everything else in existence for all I knew, was capable of getting both of us. The only instruction I had to fight the thing was to find an imaginary light.

"Oh-Oh god," I heard her groan. "This isn't how I wanted this to end… please don't let it end like this. Please." I couldn't tell if she was speaking to be specifically or to some sort of higher power. Either way, the stakes were all being stacked on me. "…look for my light… I will guide you…" Her voice disappeared entirely.

My body felt like it had been dropped into a gigantic freezer. It was the worst cold I had ever experienced, though that wasn't much considering that I live in California. I heard a lot of the other states get a lot worse, particularly during the winter. I'm not sure how this chill would fair for, say, someone who lived in Oregon for example.

But for someone like me, California born and raised, it was unbearable.

So naturally, wanting to get out of this funk I found myself in, I did what came naturally. I thought of the one melody that was always able to put me in a better mood. No matter what kind of horrible shit happened, I could always think about 'Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" and immediately feel like a million bucks.

Inside my mind's eye, that song took on a whole different form. It wasn't something that I had intended. It wasn't something that I meat to do. I wasn't thinking up the song in order to save my hide or anything. It was just a psychological defense.

It was the thing that led me to the light though. It wasn't a real fireworks display, just some weird little tangible thing I could faintly make out. I knew that it was all in my head, but somehow it spread all over me like a warm blanket. The creepy whispers came to a halt, and whatever was in my apartment could be heard scurrying away.

"Thank god!" the girl exclaimed out loud. And why shouldn't she? We were pretty close to a weird barely defined death. "I think it's safe to come out of your head for a moment and look around."

I opened my eyes. It was still really dark in my room, but I could just about make out my couch and my TV. The important things in life.

After seeing that the loves of my life were alive, I turned to look upon my rescuer. Especially now, barely illuminated with what little light I had apparently conjured, she looked like everything I had ever wanted myself to be.

She was just about perfect. Well, if you cut past the whole threatening me with a keysword thing.

"My name is Kairi," she told me. "If you want to live through the night, you will do everything I tell you."

I think living is my third greatest love of my life, just under my couch.

So of course, I obliged. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

There were worse ways to spend an evening than not dying.

_**X-X-X-X-X  
Author's Notes:**_

**I'm doing this one purely for the fun of it. Grammar and spelling might not be the greatest. There will be a lot of insanity and lunacy later. If you're up for a rollicking off-the-rails adventure with tons and tons of Disney references, you've come to the right place.**

**There are elements from some dropped fics from the past. Many plot details I was going to use in a story from a couple years ago will be put here to hopefully good effect. It is a far more comedic story than my past Kingdom Hearts efforts, and I hope it helps to liven up the proceedings. **

**Suggestions? Thoughts? Raves? Rants? Bold-faced ALL CAPS tantrums? Leave them in the reviews or shoot me a message. If you leave questions in the reviews, I will try my best to answer them by the time the next chapter is out.  
**

**PREVIEW: Sora and Kairi badassery! Disney characters! Action! Suspense! Smartassery! 'Splosions (maybe)! Exposition! Be here next time!... it will be totally worth it!**


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